Muons of Poop

Hello cyberworld,

I know it has been a while, but can we talk? 

Specifically, I have two seemingly unrelated topics I would like to put out for consideration: Muons and Poop. 

While at initial glance neither of these seem to be related to the other, however, I hope by the time you are done reading this post I will have at least brought enough to the table for a conversation. 

Let's first start off with Muons and a disclaimer that I hate physics.  I (somehow) avoided taking physics in high school (I decided to take organic chemistry instead) I despise the subject matter.  Do not mistake my disdain for the discipline for a disdain for the physicists.  I love them dearly. My brother, who happens to be a physics educator....well....it depends on whether or not he is trying to give me a physics lesson. I only bring this up to say, that if you are hoping for a riveting and educated discussion on physics, do not waste your time reading. You will not find it here, in this post - or ever on this blog, if I am being honest.

But enough about the minutiae of my personal feelings on the discipline and instead let us focus our attention on a literally small part of physics: the muon.  To be honest, it kinda sounds like the big black ball-things that run around and turn people to stone in Raya. In reality, they are very similar, in that they run around at near speeds of light and are able to penetrate deeply into the earth. Hence, they are utilized in archeology digs (for sub-surface imaging), evaluation and detection of nuclear material (e.g. spill detection, etc.). Muons are the reason why some experiments in physics have to be completed well underground - out of interference of Muons penetrating the earths crust from outer space (https://www.energy.gov/science/doe-explainsmuons).  The half life of these particles are extremely short, however. Which comes in handy if I ever need to justify any time I can't focus on a task ("But my attention span lasts longer than a muon!). 

I bring up the topic of muons because I recently read an article that reported on an experiment that was conducted at the Fermilab which noted an indescribable, unpredictable wobble in the muon when it was sent around the circumference of the collider.  (https://globalnews.ca/news/7745375/muon-particle-new-force-of-nature/). The reason this is such big news is that, apparently, when muons are exposed to magnets, they are expected to wobble, but in a predictable motion.  However, during this experiment, when the muons were exposed to the colliders magnet, the muons moved in an unpredictable motion, such that, as the hypothesis goes, they are being acted upon by some unknown force.

And I believe that I have the answer: Poop. More specifically, baby poop.

Let's back up for a second.  I have recently had the pleasure (and pain) of becoming a new dad.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience so far and remain optimistic that, at least until my child has the inclination to date and/or start driving, I can handle the basics of fatherhood. having work experience with pediatrics has helped at least in getting in the mentality of a diaper change that I can get through it and get it done, even though it is probably not going to be a pleasant experience.  

This brings me to the poop diapers.  Fortunately, because of my work, I was not terrified of them, but nothing fully prepares you for them.  Especially in my job, I get the pleasure of handing the child back to the parents when one occurs. However, now that I have made the leap to fatherhood, I no longer have an option.  Either I take care of the poop diaper as soon as it happens, or I spend the night buffing down every piece of furniture in the house with my dear wife raving about the mess behind me.  I wisely have chosen to try and stick to the former option over the latter option.  

And being nonexempt from the trials of fatherhood, while changing a poo diaper I too have thought to myself, "where does all of the poo come from?" It is not physically possible for such a small body to hold on to such a large amount of poo. I am intimately familiar with the gross anatomy of the human body and the literal feet of intestine that is curled up inside of us, but C'mon.  It takes me a week to pass the amount of poo that comes from my child in one go. The amount that is dispelled is a game over situation.  The next time another staff member complains of a "code brown" situation, I will kindly refer them to any number of poo diapers I have had to change in the last week alone.  I know that I am not the first father to consider this, and I am sure I will not be the last.  The late Robin Williams sums up the poop quandary very well in this clip (the discussion of poo starts at 6:10):

And now, thanks to the results of this latest research to come out, I think I have found the answer: quantum mechanics.  Babies have some unknown portal within their GI systems that automatically shuttles the poop to some parallel dimension, which has a space restriction. When this restriction is met, the poop is propelled back into the baby and poop happens. Depending on the rate and velocity, blow-outs may occur.  

Perhaps this is ludicrous, however, let me point out, sure, one or two babies that do this would not influence a muon, but all the babies? Where matter cannot be created nor destroyed, the conversion between energy types and rapid movement that is creating this expanding/contracting oscillation may be enough to influence a muon and create such an unpredictable wobble. Baby poo does stick to everything, and may have enough cling to grab on to a muon and move it involuntarily. Just saying. When they figure the cause out, do not be surprised to hear about the Great Universal Poo.  

In the meantime, if you would excuse me, I need to go get a new pack of baby wipes for this fresh poo.....

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